Am I really lovable like THAT?
The power (and fragility) of freely-given relationships
Years ago, I attended a support group of about 35 adults with intellectual disabilities. To clarify the type of service Do For One offers, a staff member asked the group:
“How many of you have ever had an unpaid friend?”
After specifying that this did not include friendly paid staff or other service recipients, not a single person raised their hand.
This moment revealed a truth that remains at the heart of our work: certain fundamental human needs can only be met through freely-given relationships.
About Do For One
Do For One is a one-to-one relationship-building program that brings isolated people into greater community life. We selectively match one person with disabilities (‘Partner’) with another person who enjoys a more socially included life (‘Advocate’).
Alexa & Alvena
Pictured below are Alexa (middle, Advocate) and Alvena (front, Partner) with their friend Heather. Alexa and Alvena have been friends through Do For One for nine years.
Alvena once learned life skills in a classroom, but through her friendship with Alexa, she now learns to cook the way most adults do—by cooking with friends. Those who have known her for years say she has grown more through this relationship than in decades of formalized programming.
Indeed, some of our deepest needs can only be met through genuine, freely-given relationships.
How so?
Needs Only Freely-Given Relationships Can Fulfill
True acceptance comes when people choose to be with us, not out of obligation, but out of genuine care.
Belonging in a community means being valued for what we contribute in a way that benefits everyone—not as a one-sided act of charity.
Freely-given relationships foster growth and development in ways that structured programs and formal services cannot.
Authentic connections last. When relationships are freely-given, they are more likely to be long-term rather than transactional or short-lived.
We all need people who truly look out for us. Those whose loyalty is to us—not to an institution or employer—offer protection from harm, neglect, and exploitation.
While Advocates may fear the unknown when stepping into these relationships, people with disabilities often face their own uncertainty—especially when connecting with someone who is neither a paid staff member nor another service-recipient.
Beneath this hesitation, many who have been wounded in relationships carry an unspoken question:
“Am I really lovable like that?”
Our response:
Yes, you absolutely are.
And we know you won’t fully believe it—until you experience love… like that.
Understanding Each Person’s Unique Journey
To nurture and sustain these powerful yet deeply personal relationships, it’s important that we approach them with a thoughtful awareness of each person’s life experiences in the following three ways.
Unique Desires and Needs
First, people with disabilities are individuals with unique stories, not defined solely by their disability. Their needs and interests vary, which is why relationships—not just services—are central to meaningful support.
Theology professor and disability advocate Nancy Eiesland, who was born with a congenital bone defect, helped me understand that people with disabilities don’t primarily identify with each other based on similar impairments, but rather through shared experiences of social exclusion.
Therefore, healing requires bridge-builders—people embedded in the broader community, not just within human services. When their unique gifts and talents are valued in community, their social status rises, challenging stereotypes and fostering belonging.
Hurt and Expectations in Relationships
Second, we must recognize that those who have been wounded by past relationships often anticipate that new ones will fail.
As a result, they may struggle to deepen connections or remain hopeful when relationships go through natural ups and downs. At times, the relationship may not feel entirely reciprocal, partly because someone carrying past wounds may wrestle with discouraging thoughts of being unlovable, leading them to withdraw.
This is when an Advocate’s understanding, patience, and initiative are essential in guiding the relationship forward.
It wasn’t until a few years into their friendship that Alvena said of Alexa, “I can trust her. I can trust her in my heart.”
It’s important to accept that most deeply wounded people will need support for the rest of their life and that there is no “one-time fix-all” solution.
This does not mean Advocates must address every area of need. Instead, small but persistent acts of loyalty over time can reverse expectations of rejection and build trust. It’s this kind of steady presence that transforms uncertainty into trust and pain into belonging.
Sharing in These Wounds
Finally, it’s important to recognize that by standing with people at risk of marginalization—and encouraging others to do the same—we, too, share in that marginalization.
Relationships across societal barriers are transformative, shaping us with courage, patience, humor, and forgiveness in ways we never otherwise imagined possible.
It is here we find that we too are needy ones asking the same question about ourselves:
“Am I really lovable like that?”
It is here that we discover life’s deepest passions and joys.
It is here we find that this is not just an opportunity to befriend those considered least in society—it is an invitation to receive their friendship as well. And in doing so, we realize this opportunity is sacred.
When we’re with a friend, we feel chosen—uniquely loved—because, out of all the people in the world, they chose us! But this bond is also fragile, as either person could decide at any time to not choose the other.
Handle with care. Freely-given relationships are among the most precious and fragile of life’s gifts.